339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn’t have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen. I think they’re just to muffle the screams.

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say “Thank you.” That’s now escalated into “You care care of yourself, now.” The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, “Don’t put off that mammogram.”

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

I don’t think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying.

I’m not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he’s going to be in the room when there’s a delivery is if there’s a pizza involved.