339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn’t notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I’m letting him keep it. I’m saving money!

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn’t work.

Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she’ll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he’ll just put back the empty container.

Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

Nobody is really happy with what’s on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.

If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during play-off season.

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, “Never take candy from strangers.” And then they dressed me up and said, “Go beg for it.” I didn’t know what to do! I’d knock on people’s doors and go, “Trick or treat.” “No thank you.”