339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

All men think that they’re nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

The airline oxygen masks don’t really help you. They’re just there to muffle the screams.

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: “Mitch, you look great.” Mitch: “Thanks.” On the other side: “Ruth, you look great.” Ruth: “I do? Must be the lighting.”

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose.

I have a hold limit that I’ve set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take.

My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.