339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine...

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.