339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

Neurotics build castles in the air; psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I rationalize shopping. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

I gave my father $100 and said, Buy yourself something that will make your life easier. So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

My parents, my whole life, combined my birthday with Christmas, and you know how frustrating that is for a child--especially as I was born in July.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes if I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

My husband and I are are going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.