339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.