50 Quotes by Rob Delaney

People who concern themselves with the rights of other adults who engage in consensual acts involving sex, love, and/or eating croissants together are damaged and in pain.

IT IS SO CURIOUS how hearing something once in your youth can dictate a thought pattern all the way through your life. I was nine, a man said something nonchalantly, and now when I see a slate at age thirty-six, as far as I'm concerned, its primary use is for beheading boys. Once that's done it can be used for roofing.

I was basically trucking along as a functional drunk who knew he had a problem but hoped nothing truly terrible would happen.

To help safeguard her, I remained a vigilant bather and hand-washer. I also made sure we didn't share cups or utensils and I took strict care not to poo in her mouth, even at night.

I hate wearing suits and ties.

In real life, I am alarmingly boring.

Depression taught me the importance of compassion and hard work, and that you can overcome enormous obstacles.

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, ‘people.’

I can’t ‘make’ you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favourite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.