218 Quotes by Robert Orben

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.

I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."

I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.

The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow.

Realists know where they're going. Dreamers have already been there.

Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.

An economist is someone who knows all the answers to last years' questions.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.