218 Quotes by Robert Orben

I take my children everywhere. Unfortunately, they find a way home.

They say kids today don’t know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That’s why they ask for five.

Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it’s a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it’s a pen that scratches.

Wait’ll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.

Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He’d go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.

I should warn you that underneath these clothes I’m wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee – or laugh.

Here’s to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.

I got a Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.