218 Quotes by Robert Orben

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she’s as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they’d bust it to Corporal!

I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, “Keep the change.”

The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world.

We’re supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I’ve never met a family adviser. They’re all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.

It’s mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You’re not paying me for a joke, You’re paying me for the right joke.

Do your kids a favor – don’t have any.

THe world now has so many problems that if Moses had come down from Mount Sinai today, the two tablets he’d carry would be aspirin.

Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That’s how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.