218 Quotes by Robert Orben

I happen to know that Florida is now working on something that could revolutionize its real estate market. It's an alligator that eats crabgrass.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that individuality is the key to success.

There is only one problem in taking a winter vacation in Florida. You spend two weeks getting a deep, rich, golden tan— then they hand you the bill and you're pale again.

Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

In all fairness, he did warn me. I asked him if you could get along in Florida on sixty-five dollars a day. He said, 'If you're an alligator, yes. If you're a tourist, no.'

I won't comment on the weather we had. Did you know they named a wine after the first bird who ever flew down to Florida for the winter? Cold duck.

For a real quick energy boost, nothing beats having the boss walk in.

Thomas Edison said that genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. I dunno. I hate to think of anyone that sweaty handling electricity.

I lost so much weight, people kept looking at my ankles. Why not? That's where my pants were.