218 Quotes by Robert Orben

I think all auto mechanics go to the same school— Shaft U.

Did you hear about the automobile mechanic who bought a hospital and he's making a fortune? If you bring in your wife for an operation, they give you a loaner.

I just went on a great diet. There are only three things you can't put in your mouth— a knife, a fork, and a spoon!

My wife has come up with a very simple device to make me lose weight. It's called a food bill.

The way people pamper their pets is ridiculous. Have you heard the latest? Elevator paws for dachshunds.

I've never had any luck with pets. I once had a turtle I had to send to obedience school.

We have all kinds of pets. We have birds who specialize in singing; we have dogs who specialize in barking; we have cats who specialize in meowing, and we have turtles who specialize in dying.

Never raise your hand to your child; it leaves your midsection unprotected.

If I were an astronaut, I'd be one of the backup pilots. The minute they tried to put me in a spaceship, would I back up!