9 Quotes by Robert W. Firestone

That is why in adult life, people generally tend to relive rather than live, that is, to repeat the patterns of the past and defend the primary fantasy in the defiance, and avoid the real gamble or real adventure of taking a chance on something new. They are afraid that if they really cry out, if they really ask, if they really scream for help, that it won't come, and they'll be in the same panicky frightened state they were in when they were little.

The purpose of the false self is to defend against pain - not deal with reality

Because of the anxiety inherent in being vulnerable and undefended in a new love relationship, an individual unconsciously attempts to merge and form a unit with the loved one. In forming a bond, the lover is able to alleviate anxiety and attain a false sense of security and safety by sustaining the illusion of being fused. The fantasy of being connected functions as a defense, for whenever this bond is broken, the underlying pain and fear of separation invariably surface.

People who are self-denying and selfless have little to offer to others.

The author sees resistance as the holding on to an imaginary connection to others, due to the dread of re-experiencing one’s sense of aloneness and helplessness. Ultimately, resistance functions in order to protect the individual from experiencing anxiety states that arise from the threats to the neurotic resolution of the basic conflict – the conflict between dependency on inner fantasy for gratification versus a desire for real gratification in the interpersonal environment.

Acting out of obligation, form or tradition is deadly, because giving up one’s ability to act out of free choice is equivalent to giving up life itself.

Furthermore, the image of parental strength and goodness always occurs in close conjunction with the development of a negative image of self. Patients who hate and blame themselves or perceive themselves as basically unlovable are defending and idealizing their parents.

When children are hurt and in pain psychologically, they don’t want to be in distress, so when the situation becomes intolerable, they cease to identify with themselves. When they feel the most threatened, they will choose to identify with the person who is the source of their suffering in an attempt to possess that person’s strength.

Once we know, on a deep level, that we must die, we choose, in various ways, purposely to give up our life in order to dispel the unbearable feelings of helplessness and dread.