14 Quotes by Robin Norwood

To be without the relationship, that is to be alone with oneself, can be experienced as worse than being in the greatest pain the relationship produces because to be alone means to feel the stirrings of the great pain from the past combined with that of the present.

It has already been noted that children in dysfunctional families feel responsible for their family's problems and also for solving them. There are basically three ways in which children attempt to save their families: by being invisible, ,by being bad, or by being good.

We all tend to believe that suffering is a mark of true love, that to refuse to suffer is selfish, and that if a man has a problem then a woman should help him change.

One of the implications of letting go of managing and controlling others is that you must relinquish the identity of being helpful, but ironically, that very act of letting go is frequently the single most helpful thing you can do for the one you love. The identity of being helpful is an ego trip, if you really want to be helpful let go of his problems and help yourself.

Cuando sucede algo emocionalmente doloroso y nos decimos que la culpa es nuestra, en realidad estamos diciendo que tenemos control sobre ello: si nosotros cambiamos, el dolor desaparecerá.

Praising and encouraging are very close to pushing, and when you do that you are trying again to take control of his life. Think about why you are lauding something he’s done. Is it to help raise his self-esteem? That’s manipulation. Is it so he will continue whatever behavior you’re praising? That’s manipulation. Is it so that he’ll know how proud you are of him? That can be a burden for him to carry. Let him develop his own pride from his own accomplishments.

There is an old joke about a nearsighted man who has lost his keys late at night and is looking for them by the light of a street lamp. Another person comes along and offers to help him look but asks him, “Are you sure this is where you lost them?” He answers, “No, but this is where the light is.

True acceptance of an individual as he is, without trying to change him through encouragement or manipulation or coercion, is a very high form of love, and very difficult for most of us to practice.

After all, he had secrets to keep about his sexual identity and behavior, and having a wife made him look more ‘normal’ than not having one. I guess that was what he meant when he said he needed me.