569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

My wife gives good headache.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.