569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.