569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.