569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.