569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.