569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

f a group of guys are hanging around and one guy is doing coke, he’ll say, ‘Take a hit. You’ll feel like a new man.’ He’s right; the problem is that once you feel like a new man, that new man wants a hit so he can feel like a new man. And that goes on and on until the coke runs out, and you’re broke.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

If the odds are 50/50, I don't stand a chance!

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.