569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.