569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

I was such an ugly kid - When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.