569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

I was so poor growing up - if I wasn't a boy - I'd have had nothing to play with

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!