569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.