569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.