569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.