569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!