569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!