569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.