569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!