569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.