569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.