569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.