569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".