569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half!

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.