569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you’re an idiot than speak up and confirm it.