569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.