569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.