116 Quotes by Russell Howard

Primark 'till I die

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

I’m the munter of my friends. I’ve got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I’m a heart-throb.

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

When you’re three, you’re into custard, and jumping.

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It’s like a child dizzy off lemonade.

So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say – ‘Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You’ve all sucked on my tits.’

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!