59 Quotes by S. J. Perelman

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

I'll dispose of my teeth as I see fit, and after they've gone, I'll get along. I started off living on gruel, and by God, I can always go back to it again.

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.

The fact is that all of us have only one personality, and we wring it out like a dishtowel. You are what you are.

Fate was dealing from the bottom of the deck.

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

He bit his lip in a manner which immediately awakened my maternal sympathy, and I helped him bite it.

In pulp fiction it is a rigid convention that the hero's shoulders and the heroine's balcon constantly threaten to burst their bonds, a possibility which keeps the audience in a state of tense expectancy. Unfortunately for the fans, however, recent tests reveal that the wisp of chiffon which stands between the publisher and the postal laws has the tensile strength of drop-forged steel.

Nature, it appears, has been rather more bountiful to Paul's body and purse than to his intellect; above the ears, speaking bluntly, the boy is strictly tapioca.