79 Quotes by Samantha Bee

Who are you going to believe? Leading authorities on medical science, or 800 memes on your cousin’s Facebook page?

Sex with my first boyfriend was a little bit like learning how to put in a tampon, but only half as enjoyable!

Don't judge me. I made a lot of money.

I believe in breakfast. It's the one meal that my kids usually eat without a fuss, so that's huge. As for myself, I can't function without it, and I see it as a great way to get some healthy greens in, some coffee, and on a good day, maybe even some news of the world via the newspaper.

I'm capable of living in the moment. And I'm especially capable of living in the moment of sitting on my sofa and watching other people's moments.

I hate birthdays. I thought that I only hated my own birthday, and then I realized that I hate my children's birthdays too.

If I could live in New York the rest of my life, I absolutely would, but it's also prohibitively expensive and you have to be working. New York is a lot nicer when you have a job.

Last year people won more than one billion dollars playing poker. And casinos made twenty-seven billion just by being around those people.

The best part about poker is there's no down side.