149 Quotes by Spike Milligan

I have got so low that I have asked to be hospitalized and for deep narcosis (sleep). I cannot stand being awake. The pain is too much... Something has happened to me, this vital spark has stopped burning - I go to a dinner table now and I don't say a word, just sit there like a dodo. Normally I am the centre of attention, keeps the conversation going, - so that is depressing in itself. It's like another person taking over, very strange. The most important thing I say is 'good evening' and then I go quiet.

On the Ning Nang Nong Where the Cows go Bong! And the Monkeys all say Boo! Theres a Nang Nong Ning Where the trees go Ping! And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo On the Nong Ning Nang All the Mice go Clang! And you just cant catch em when they do! So its Ning Nang Nong! Cows go Bong! Nong Nang Ning! Trees go Ping! Nong Ning Nang! The mice go Clang! What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!