149 Quotes by Spike Milligan

One day the “Don’t Knows” will get in and then where will we be?

The width of neck and shoulder suggested a rugby player, the broken nose confirmed it. Which shows just how wrong you can be as he never played the game in his life.

The youngest member of this ageing community was ex-variety artiste, Patrick L. Balls. Fifty-nine now, he spent out his remaining years pulling a rope lift and bottling fruit. He had once whistled Ave Maria for Queen Victoria. She wasn’t present at the time, but nevertheless that’s who he was whistling it for.

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

Keep talking Milligan. I think I can get you out on Mental Grounds.’ ‘That’s how I got in, sir.’ ‘Didn’t we all.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

Money! Father Rudden had tried everything to raise funds to repair the church, he even went to the bank. ‘Don’t be a fool, Father!’ said the manager, ‘Put that gun down.’ Money!

Patience, thought Milligan, that word was invented by dull buggers who couldn’t think quick enough.