846 Quotes by Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I'm addicted to placebos.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.