846 Quotes by Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.