846 Quotes by Steven Wright

I just found out I have an IQ of 208, and I don't know what that means.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.

What is another name for a Thesaurus?

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.