113 Quotes by Tim Vine

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.

People ask ‘do you make a conscious effort not to swear?’ – if you’re doing silly stuff you’re not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.

You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”

My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.