113 Quotes by Tim Vine

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'