113 Quotes by Tim Vine

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you’ll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they’re both enjoying it.

Black beauty – he’s a dark horse.

I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Black holes. I don’t know what people see in them. Exit signs? They’re on their way out.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it’s eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”

I met this gangster who pulls up people’s pants. Name’s Wedgie Kray.

I saw this train driver and said, ‘I wanna go to Paris.’ He said, ‘Eurostar?’ I said, ‘Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Mind you, at least the Eurostar’s comfy. It’s murder on the Orient Express isn’t it?