111 Quotes by Tommy Cooper

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.